Since I loved you first

A poem by Darcy Spraggs, 17, Gisborne Girls’ High School

A poem by Darcy Spraggs, 17, Gisborne Girls’ High School

June saw an aurora birthed from the centre of my ribcage. June saw you asleep, but not quite the same way I did.

June saw my brother’s birthday, and for the first time in years it saw my mouth curl up into a dimple-edged smile.

June saw me count out my blessings so that I could split the cost of your body. It’s funny, because somehow most of my blessings were a spectrum of you to begin with.

When June kissed July on the cheek, I thought about you and what you grew up to imagine love to look like. I hoped in some ways it looked like me. But I also hoped it looked just like June looks at July everytime they meet.

July saw my Mother’s birthday. July saw my Mother try to forget her birthday.

July saw me douse myself in situations that made me panic because it was the only way to stop thinking about you.

July held August’s hair back when it threw up white blood.

August tastes of sickness but still gives you the medicine.

August has seen addiction floating inside my pupils. I try to hide the dilation and withdrawals, but my body shakes like it has too many secrets. Nobody shakes like that purely from the cold.

August saw my sister’s birthday. There was no way anyone could forget it was coming. Even July knew.

August saw the way I looked at you.

August tried to convince me you were not a reason to smile.

September looks just like August only less swollen.

September introduced me to your favourite colour.

September saw me start to notice your favourite colour everywhere. I can’t listen to that song anymore because I never realised it would remind me of you so much.

September saw me open up to my parents about wanting my lungs to deflate like a pierced sky. I had never ever told them about all of the times I wanted to stop existing.

September left a note for October. I don’t know what it says, but I hope it makes October smile the same way you make me.

I hope I make you smile, the same way you make me.

October saw you let me go.

June saw an aurora birthed from the centre of my ribcage. June saw you asleep, but not quite the same way I did.

June saw my brother’s birthday, and for the first time in years it saw my mouth curl up into a dimple-edged smile.

June saw me count out my blessings so that I could split the cost of your body. It’s funny, because somehow most of my blessings were a spectrum of you to begin with.

When June kissed July on the cheek, I thought about you and what you grew up to imagine love to look like. I hoped in some ways it looked like me. But I also hoped it looked just like June looks at July everytime they meet.

July saw my Mother’s birthday. July saw my Mother try to forget her birthday.

July saw me douse myself in situations that made me panic because it was the only way to stop thinking about you.

July held August’s hair back when it threw up white blood.

August tastes of sickness but still gives you the medicine.

August has seen addiction floating inside my pupils. I try to hide the dilation and withdrawals, but my body shakes like it has too many secrets. Nobody shakes like that purely from the cold.

August saw my sister’s birthday. There was no way anyone could forget it was coming. Even July knew.

August saw the way I looked at you.

August tried to convince me you were not a reason to smile.

September looks just like August only less swollen.

September introduced me to your favourite colour.

September saw me start to notice your favourite colour everywhere. I can’t listen to that song anymore because I never realised it would remind me of you so much.

September saw me open up to my parents about wanting my lungs to deflate like a pierced sky. I had never ever told them about all of the times I wanted to stop existing.

September left a note for October. I don’t know what it says, but I hope it makes October smile the same way you make me.

I hope I make you smile, the same way you make me.

October saw you let me go.

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