Serious tips for the housing market

Step two — lower your expectations. Leaky former meth dens in Te Awamutu are cheap . . .

Step two — lower your expectations. Leaky former meth dens in Te Awamutu are cheap . . .

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Hi there, millennials!

I’m Jimothy, your friendly neighbourhood guy who bought a house in Auckland back in the day when they weren’t as expensive and now thinks that I’m qualified to give advice about the modern Auckland housing market.

Just you wait, the newspaper will be writing a story on me soon enough and here’s what I will tell them . . .

Tip one – stop buying a coffee a day. If you do that (averaging $3.50 a coffee and you drinking them every weekday), in twenty years you will have saved $18,550, which is still not enough to use as a deposit these days unless you’re very, very lucky.

Tip two – lower your expectations. Don’t try for Auckland. Personally, I’ve heard that leaky former meth dens in Te Awamutu are far cheaper. Plus they have excellent indoor-outdoor flow. (The ‘flowing’ is mainly water, but who’s counting?)

Tip three – stop eating avocados. Gosh you millennials and your expensive tastes! Avocados are far too bourgeois for you! You need to live on ramen and tap water until you sort your life out.

Tip four – make sacrifices to the Elder Gods in exchange for a less-ridiculous housing market. This is a little bit far-fetched I must admit, but at this point you’re probably more likely to get help from them than the current government.

Tip five – live rent-free in caves for ten years while working twenty hours a day. Who needs sociability and free time in this capitalistic world of ours? Push yourself. Go to work even when you’re sick. You must aim for the uni/marriage/house/retirement plan that society dictates we all must strive for.

Tip six – stop being so lazy and entitled, you snowflakes. Ah millennials, so lazy, entitled and narcissistic, always wanting things to happen the easy way.

Why don’t you get a job? Oh, you have a job? Why don’t you get a second job then? Back in my day we all had deposits on houses when we were 21. If you only tried harder, you’d be able to afford things. It’s not our fault at all and we definitely didn’t contribute to this problem.

Tip seven – buy a crap house and do it up. You all need to learn how to do some DIY. Buy a meth house and fix it up yourself. Even though former drug houses tend to be rather toxic and could be a hazard to your health, you’ll feel the warm glow of success more than you’ll feel the toxin-based lung infections.

And if you don’t do any of those things because making rent and having enough to eat each week is enough of a struggle? Well I guess you’re just out of luck.

Hi there, millennials!

I’m Jimothy, your friendly neighbourhood guy who bought a house in Auckland back in the day when they weren’t as expensive and now thinks that I’m qualified to give advice about the modern Auckland housing market.

Just you wait, the newspaper will be writing a story on me soon enough and here’s what I will tell them . . .

Tip one – stop buying a coffee a day. If you do that (averaging $3.50 a coffee and you drinking them every weekday), in twenty years you will have saved $18,550, which is still not enough to use as a deposit these days unless you’re very, very lucky.

Tip two – lower your expectations. Don’t try for Auckland. Personally, I’ve heard that leaky former meth dens in Te Awamutu are far cheaper. Plus they have excellent indoor-outdoor flow. (The ‘flowing’ is mainly water, but who’s counting?)

Tip three – stop eating avocados. Gosh you millennials and your expensive tastes! Avocados are far too bourgeois for you! You need to live on ramen and tap water until you sort your life out.

Tip four – make sacrifices to the Elder Gods in exchange for a less-ridiculous housing market. This is a little bit far-fetched I must admit, but at this point you’re probably more likely to get help from them than the current government.

Tip five – live rent-free in caves for ten years while working twenty hours a day. Who needs sociability and free time in this capitalistic world of ours? Push yourself. Go to work even when you’re sick. You must aim for the uni/marriage/house/retirement plan that society dictates we all must strive for.

Tip six – stop being so lazy and entitled, you snowflakes. Ah millennials, so lazy, entitled and narcissistic, always wanting things to happen the easy way.

Why don’t you get a job? Oh, you have a job? Why don’t you get a second job then? Back in my day we all had deposits on houses when we were 21. If you only tried harder, you’d be able to afford things. It’s not our fault at all and we definitely didn’t contribute to this problem.

Tip seven – buy a crap house and do it up. You all need to learn how to do some DIY. Buy a meth house and fix it up yourself. Even though former drug houses tend to be rather toxic and could be a hazard to your health, you’ll feel the warm glow of success more than you’ll feel the toxin-based lung infections.

And if you don’t do any of those things because making rent and having enough to eat each week is enough of a struggle? Well I guess you’re just out of luck.

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Gladice Floer - 4 months ago
Great tips, thanks