Public Interest Journalism funded through NZ On Air
Stories from two men with starkly different experiences of abuse have been shared across Tairāwhiti to help encourage others to share their stories and get the help they need.
Dean Clarkson and Jeremy Eparaima teamed up with Tairāwhiti-based social services to travel across the region as part of the Bringing the Peace, Out East hīkoi to help break down stigmas of being a victim or perpetrator of abuse.
The gatherings aimed to strengthen communities through information and conversations the pair said needed to be had.
Tauawhi Men’s Centre, based in the heart of Gisborne city, has worked to reduce family harm in the Tairāwhiti region for over 14 years.
Eparaima, alongside co-facilitator Jude Simpson, shared his experiences as a perpetrator of family violence with police recruits in each new wing at the Police College.
The pair later extended their presentations to frontline staff, joined by Clarkson, who shared his story as a victim.
Whāngaia Ngā Pā Harakeke kaimahi Marina Dewes recognised the potential benefits of hearing those stories for whānau in Tairāwhiti.
Having already established relationships with Clarkson and Eparaima, Tauawhi Men’s Centre kaihautū Tim Marshall arranged for them to visit East Coast communities.
“The idea is that Dean and Jeremy sharing their stories would sow some seeds within local whānau and community to consider how they might activate local community-based responses to addressing family harm,” Marshall said.
The hīkoi began at Kauaetongohia Marae at Whangaparāoa and was followed by presentations at Waikura Station, Tokorarangi clubrooms, Waiapu clubrooms, Uepohatu Marae, Tokomaru Bay, Te Whare Hauora o Te Aitanga a Hauiti and, finally, Tauawhi in Gisborne.
About 150 people attended the sessions during the week-long hīkoi.
The hīkoi was supported by Te Hōkai, Change is Possible, Tauawhi, Whāngaia Ngā Pā Harakeke, Wana and Ngāti Porou Oranga.
Each community they spoke with were open to the conversation about a sensitive topic and shared their stories with him.
“There was an acknowledgement that it happens and they want to do something about it,” Eparaima said.
“A phrase I share is that all it takes for someone to make the change, is for the right person, at the right time, with the right words.”
Eparaima was in his 40s when he was confronted by a friend, who suggested a non-violence course.
He was resistant to the idea that he needed to change.
“I was in a world of denial and minimisation of everything I did.”
The now 59-year-old believes if someone had stepped in when he was 18 or 19, they might have been able to “unplug” him from those behaviours.
“The longer [I was] trapped in that world, the longer using those behaviours, the more normal it was.”
After more than a decade of sharing his story to inspire change and understanding, he remains uncertain how many people he has impacted.
“It doesn’t matter if I’m talking to 10 or 100 people, if the light goes on for even one person, then it was worth my ride,” he said.
Clarkson, 50, said it was an honour to share his story.
“I am here to tell my story to give permission to others who hear this story to tell their own because for a long time I hid from that,” Clarkson said.
“There’s a lot of men I have told my story to, but on the Coast, that was one of the most memorable and humbling experiences of my life.”
Clarkson never reported his experiences. He emphasised he was not a statistic, but rather a victim who never came forward which left the system unaware of his situation.
He encouraged family violence victims to keep telling their stories “because that is a part of healing and might inspire others to tell theirs”.
“There are many tāne in our communities suffering in silence.”
The “harden up” and “be a man” culture prevented men from speaking up when they were victims of abuse, he said.
“When it comes to family harm, it doesn’t discriminate.”
Clarkson started a charitable trust called Wana, based in Takānini, South Auckland, which works through culturally grounded holistic services to support tāne with experiences of violence.
After the hīkoi, Clarkson received feedback from people who found his story inspiring.
Discussions followed about future initiatives, including the potential to establish a women’s group in Whangaparāoa and a men’s group in Te Araroa.
Tauawhi group members currently travel to Ruatōria to deliver non-violence programmes and have a staff member, Stirling Halbert, based in Raukokore.
There is hope that local connections can be strengthened to develop groups and activities tailored to the community’s needs.
DO YOU NEED HELP?
If it’s an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you’re in danger now:
Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.
Run outside and head for where there are other people.
Scream for help so that your neighbours can hear you.
Take the children with you.
Don’t stop to get anything else.
If you are being abused, remember it’s not your fault. Violence is never okay.
Where to go for help or more information:
Women’s Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 – 0800 refuge or 0800 733 843. womensrefuge.org.nz
Tauawhi Men’s Centre Phone: 0800 120 072 or visit in person at 71 Peel St, Gisborne.
Shine, free national helpline 9am-11pm every day – 0508 744 633. 2shine.org.nz
It’s Not OK: Information line 0800 456 450. areyouok.org.nz
Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584. shaktiinternational.org/shakati-new-zealand
Ministry of Justice: justice.govt.nz/family-justice/domestic-violence
National Network of Stopping Family Violence: nnfvs.org.nz
White Ribbon – Aiming to eliminate men’s violence towards women: whiteribbon.org.nz
If you’ve ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk call the confidential crisis helpline Safe to Talk on: 0800 044 334 or text 4334. safetotalk.nz/
Matai O’Connor, Ngāti Porou, has been a journalist for five years and Kaupapa Māori reporter at the Gisborne Herald for two years.